Lack of Excitement

Life is boring.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I love taking care of my girls every day and being a housewife. But I don’t have anything to be excited about. I’m content but not happy. It’s a state I’ve been in for a while now. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut and I just don’t know how to get out of it. There are lots of things going on to be excited about.

 

In a couple weeks, Keith, Tess, and I will be heading to St. Louis to see Muse in concert and go to the City Museum. Our GSD puppy will be born in the next few weeks and gets to come home in May. We’re paying off a lot of debt in preparation to buy a house next year. We’re planning a trip back to Newport with Kaylin in July. She’ll be turning two later this year. And there’s the possibility of us going to see Alkaline Trio in May. 

 

See, lots to be excited about. And I am. I’m excited for all of it. But it doesn’t set fire to my blood. I don’t have any passion for any of it. I feel like I’m just letting life pass me by and I have no way to stop it. No way to leave my mark on the world. It’s infuriating and I have no clue as to what to do.

Want.

I want to go on vacation with my husband. Just the two of us. Somewhere out of state. Without the kids. He and I have never been on a trip just the two of us; no honeymoon, no weekend getaway, nothing. I want to get away for a while and get back in touch with him.

Life Update

Well, we’ve moved into the new house. Haven’t completely unpacked, mainly because I haven’t had the energy to. And we can’t put stored stuff out in the garage just yet. So it’s still a little piled up around here. Kaylin seems to have adjusted well. I think she enjoys that she can go in her room whenever she feels like it.

She’s gonna be a year old in a week. I can’t believe how fast this first year has gone by. I wish time would slow down so we can enjoy her being this little more. But at the same time I can’t wait to see how she’ll grow up.

Next week we find out what our second baby’s gender is. We’re still hoping for another little girl to complete our family.

Keith starts school on the 13th. I’m gonna miss him being home in the evenings but I know he needs to get his education. But it means he’ll have less time with Kaylin. We’ll work it out though. This weekend was supposed to be a weekend for just the two of us but it doesn’t look like that will happen. And it’s so frustrating. When the new baby comes we’ll have absolutely no time for just the two of us. It makes me incredibly sad but I guess that’s life. And life is starting to get busy. I feel like I’m losing my husband and I just have a roommate that I’ll only see for a few hours a day, if that. But we’ll manage.

My nephew David is due in just over a month. I can’t wait to meet him! His baby shower is on Sunday and I’m so excited to be there and experience that with Krysten. We bought her so much stuff, it’s ridiculous. But she and David are both worth it.

We’re still working on getting things together for Kaylin’s birthday party next week. I can’t wait to celebrate her first year with family and friends. Plus, I can’t wait to see her dig into her birthday cupcake.

I guess that’s all the updates I have for now.

It’s happening too fast

You can’t control how long the days are, how many years you have left, or whether the sun rises. These days, I’m feeling out of control. Life is moving at warp speed and I can’t seem to keep up.

Keith and I found out last month that we’re expecting our second child. Yep, you read that right. Our SECOND child. Kaylin is just now 9 months so they will be extremely close in age. We wanted it that way but I’m not sure we were prepared for what’s to come. Nor did we think it would happen so quickly. Needless to say, two adults and two young children can not live comfortably in our 2 bedroom/one bath apartment.

So, we’ll be moving soon. Keith’s uncle has offered up his house for us to rent until we have the money to buy our own. I am so incredibly grateful for what they’re doing. Seriously, I appreciate it so much. But it means moving back across the river. I’m heartbroken to leave New Albany. We’ve put roots down here, our friends are here, it feels like home. But, this is what we have to do for our family. It makes me incredibly sad to say goodbye but I know we’ll be back. We’re pretty much set on buying a house in Southern Indiana.

I don’t know how long we’ll be gone. Keith says a year. I honestly think it’ll be closer to three. We need to get our spending under control, erase a lot of debt, and get up some savings. It’s gonna take time. The house we’re moving to has 3 bedrooms/1.5 baths and a backyard for the kids to play in. It’ll be nice to be in a place we can grow for a bit but I know I’ll be counting down the moments until we move back home.

 

Lonesome

The past few days I’ve felt so lonely. I know I have my beautiful daughter and my wonderful husband. And I appreciate them more than you could know. But I don’t feel like I have a family outside of that. My brother and I aren’t close. Never have been. We didn’t start getting along until he moved out when I was 15. We’re four and a half years apart so it’s no shock that that’s contributed to our lack of a relationship. Nor am I close to either of my sisters-in-law. My brother’s wife and I used to be close friends but grew apart during high school. And my husband’s sister and I used to get along great. I don’t know what happened. Suddenly we just don’t talk as much as we used to. I know they’re not the only ones to blame for this. Some of the blame is mine as well.

I feel like I’m losing friends left and right. I sometimes wonder if it’s just because I had a child. I’m still the same person I was. I just have more responsibility now and I can’t just go out at night without making sure that she’s taken care of. But my personality has not changed. I love my alone time but I don’t want that to be the rest of my life. I miss having friends, getting texts every few hours from people. I feel like I’m fading into darkness and I can do nothing to stop it.

 

Pity Party over.

Life’s getting pretty crazy

Thursday, my brother called me to let me know that I’m going to be an aunt!!! I can’t tell you how excited I am. It makes my heart melt to know that our family is growing, that Kaylin will have a cousin to grow up with who is close to her age, and that I’ll have a niece/nephew to spoil.

In all the excitement, I feel like everyone has forgotten that my brother has a sister. I know that may seem selfish but I don’t mean it like that. I want to be included in this special occasion but it’s like everyone seems to believe that this child will only have one aunt. It just makes me realize how much I wish John and I were closer. And how much closer I wish I was to both of my sisters-in-law. But part of me feels like it’s too late. I’m going to try my hardest to be part of my niece’s/nephew’s life. I won’t be one of those aunts that they only see on holidays.

With my brother and his wife expecting, I think it’s caused Keith and I to become more aware of the fact that we want another baby and we want one soon. We always said that if we had 2 kids we wanted them close in age. Kaylin is almost 6 months old (she will be on Thursday). I definitely do not want our kids more than 2 years apart. By then you get the jealousy issues. However, I don’t want to announce our pregnancy, whenever we get pregnant again, and overshadow Krysten’s first pregnancy. It’s a delicate situation and one that I’m not sure how to handle. Also, I’m hoping to go start back to school this fall. Probably at Academy of Art or SCAD. Either way, I will be going for a Bachelor of Arts in Digital Photography. I’m not sure how I’m gonna handle school and two kids under 2. I know I can do it but it is kind of intimidating.

I guess we’ll just have to see what God has planned for us.

You just don’t realize….

Dear “You Know Who You Are”,

You mean a lot to me. You’re a huge part of my life. The only thing I want for you is your happiness. I’m not saying I know what that is. But I’d like to think I have a pretty good idea. I know when you haven’t done music for a long time that you get very depressed. Thankfully, I think there is a little star that is holding off the darkness of depression that is bound to come. And it will come. Music is a huge part of who you are. You claim it’s not but it really is. Without it, there is a huge piece of you missing. You become a different person without it. And that affects everyone around you. It’s something you can’t stop talking about, something you can’t avoid. So stop. Stop trying to keep from doing it. Make it a part of your life. Make it something that you do often. Nobody is saying you have to go anywhere with it. No one is saying that you have to make it your career. But you need to focus some of your time on it. You have people who love you and will support you. Even if you don’t do music with them they’ll understand. Go, find what you need to do this, and DO IT!!! Stop sitting on your butt, wishing things would just happen for you and MAKE things happen!!!

 

Sincerely,

Someone who cares for you

It’ll never happen…

There are so many things I want to happen. But every time I get excited about them, something always comes up and lets me know that things just won’t ever work out. I want to go to school but I have to pay off a $1,600 debt first. I hate that we’re using our tax return for that but it’s the only way before they start just taking the money. I want to buy a house but it’s always something: timing’s not right, we have to have a down payment, we need to pay off all the debts first, we both need to be working. If we keep waiting to buy a house, we’ll never do it. I want to do music with my husband but, again, there’s always something: not enough time, he doesn’t want to, still not enough time.

I don’t know why I keep getting my hopes up about stuff when it never comes through. It’s pointless.

Obligatory New Year’s Resolution Post

I know we’re 5 days into 2012 and I probably should’ve posted a resolution list earlier but oh well. I’m tired of just giving myself goals that I don’t really care about and just forget about. This year, I’m serious. Last year, my daughter was born, betrayal occurred in many different aspects and we found out that many of my family members had fallen ill. I know this year is going to be tough. I’m sure many of my family members will pass away (something I’d rather not think about). I’m bound and determined to make this year amazing. You can’t just sit around and let things happen on their own. So, without further ado, my resolution list for 2012…

  • Improve my marriage: My husband and I have lost sight of each other this past year. I know we’ve both been focused on becoming parents but other things have gotten in our way as well. I don’t want our past to repeat itself.
  • Make music a bigger part of my life: Honestly, I would love nothing more than to do music with the love of my life. But even if that doesn’t happen, simply singing in the car together or with my iPod on a daily basis works. I miss singing more than anything and I think the fact that it’s been missing from my life is a big reason why I’m so unhappy these days.
  • Get closer with God: Understandably so, with everything that’s been going on, my walk with God hasn’t been as close as it should. And I know part of it is not going to church on a regular basis. I want to change that.
  • Lose weight: I feel like this is just a shallow resolution that everyone has on their list. But I seriously need to lose weight. I want to be sexy for my husband again. I want to be able to run around and play with my daughter without getting tired. I want to be able to walk up and down stairs without getting winded. I’m determined this year to lose at least 40lbs. but I would love to reach my goal weight of 160.

I want to change. Change everything. I need to change who I am. I need to become the person I’ve been hiding for so long. I need to find out who that person is. It’s time for a personal revolution rather than a resolution.

This year, I’m living for me.

I don’t know what to do.

There is so much stuff going on and my mind feels like it’s all in a jumble.

We found out about a month ago that my uncle has cirrhosis of the liver from the years and years of drinking he’s been doing. We also found out that my aunt has cancer, stage 4 and moving fast.

After Christmas my family went down to Alabama to see them and they both looked awful. Bobby, my uncle, has finally realized that he’s just thrown his life away. He’s been taking it out on his wife, son and grandson but they seem to be standing up for themselves. Hopefully he’ll be up for a transplant soon. My mom stayed after we left to spend more time with her sister. Apparently things are going downhill fast for her. I don’t think it will be long before she passes. But I’m glad that I got to see her one last time before she started talking out of her head. And she got to see Kaylin too.

Needless to say this Christmas season has absolutely sucked. And I don’t see much hope for this new year either.

While I was gone, I brought up with my husband that I knew he’d been looking at porn and looking at it a lot. I know he has an addiction. I just hope we can break it. I don’t know that he knows how absolutely serious I am about this though. If we can’t fix this, and have exhausted all resources, then I’m gone. It’ll be hard but I can’t be in a marriage like that. Nor do I want my daughter growing up in a household like that either. I’m totally ok looking at porn together but when it replaces the intimacy in a marriage, that’s where I draw the line.

There’s a huge part of me that wants to leave him, to run from all our issues and start over. But I need him in my life too much. He’s like a drug to me. I could never be without him for long. And I know that sounds fucked up but that’s how it is.

I think we may need to just start over. Our marriage and sex life is in a downward spiral and I don’t know how to stop it. I know we’re trying but I don’t know if it will be enough.

I’m just so confused, unhappy, and sad.

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